As you may know, the research that spawned the books Transforming Children into Spiritual Champions and then Revolutionary Parenting has radically affected my entire view of life, as well as ministry. The research has also impacted my understanding of parenting and, while I am still a mediocre parent, I believe I at least have a better sense of what I’m doing wrong and what needs to improve.
I recently encountered a thought provoking quote regarding the impact that we can have on children. Apparently it’s a Chinese proverb. “A child’s life is like a piece of paper on which every person leaves a mark.” That raises several questions I’d love for you to ponder with me.
1. What pieces of paper are you intentionally leaving a mark upon?
2. What pieces of paper are you marking without much intentionality or purpose?
3. When was the last time you stopped to examine the marks you have made?
4. How satisfied are you with the marks you have left behind?
5. Who else, thanks to your permission, is leaving marks on the papers that you influence? (Personally, I’m thinking about media figures, teachers and coaches, and peers.)
6. How satisfied are you with the nature of the marks made by those others?
7. What have you learned about how you engage with and influence young children and adolescents? And how have you altered your engagement behaviors to reflect those lessons?
I don’t know about you, but for me, spending a few minutes reflecting on such questions is a pretty sobering experience. As much as I like to think I’ve applied some insights from research and experience in my dealings with young people, my objective analytical side suggests otherwise.
The research is pretty compelling in showing that the marks made on a person’s life before the age of 13 are virtually indelible. The early impressions we make go a long way toward shaping a person’s worldview, relationships, dreams, expectations, and core reality. Many of us treat our opportunities to affect a young person quite cavalierly – to their detriment as well as ours. It takes great discipline to look at each of our interactions with young people as moments of influence, perhaps even as defining moments, and to act with great poise and purpose. How we handle those moments of opportunity will go a long way toward developing the Church of the future.
May 15, 2010
This was writing day. Got snagged by your blog accidentally.
Long a fan with deep appreciation for your insights, I spent my entire evening on your blog. Powerful, George. Thanks for the thoughtful, thought-filled time on it.
This post alone is huge since the book my therapist soninlaw/best friend and I are shaping is poised to answer these very questions in the context of partner fathering. Its about making an effort to bring the forgotten generation, the one out improving their golf handicap or whittling on the porch, in to the challenge of preparing the next generation for the very, very rough times ahead.
It really is about the marks, about legacy. It’s not about yet another formulated plan for fathering, the American independent success story. It’s Dad on Dad with the Father for them. It’s about showing and telling The Story and our stories so they will live it, tell it for generation after generation.
May 20, 2010
The mark that many parents leave is one of NEGLECT and/or ABUSE.
It is almost to the point that children are treated like inconvenient, sophisticated pets.
Drop them off at the kiddie kennel or get a babysitter or nanny to put them in front of the TV pacifier.
Get toys or electronics as pacifiers.
The selfish, immature, protracted adolescent, vanity laden “parents” have to play with their toys, self medicate themselves with mind altering dope and/or entertainment, and socialize with their ego supporting friends and be involved in their career projects.
Divorce has been labeled by behavioral science professionals as a form of child abuse.
Humans are deceievd, LAW trashing, GOD hating (Jer 17:9/Rom 8:7) rebellious criminals on penal colony EARTH run by warden SATAN.
God has a gospel REHAB program, but most of the Christian clergy have people on a substitute gospel of Babylon booze and doctrinal dope.
May 23, 2010
I’m back. Stirred up, too. George prodded us to ponder with him. I did. Now back to re-read and print off his “Mark” stuff.
But what is making the biggest impact at this moment is Jim’s harsh, hurt, angry response. I’m moved. “They” tell us the biggest life impact occurs by 6. Musta been Hell about then for Jim. It brings to bear the terrible truth of Scripture that the sins of the father continue their “mark” through three and four generations. In steps God’s Grace and the “spell” can be broken; grandfather’s bent away from godliness can be turned toward Him in the ensuing generation(s).
My wife and I each broke our fathers’ bad bend, one was a prominent Christian. As now grandparents, we are active–no, commited–to co-parenting with our children. My assignment as a father, even if I were divorced, never changes. Thus, my handle GenDad.
My wish for a world full of Jims is that God’s Grace will break the cycle to leave a legacy of Hope vice bitterness and pain.
July 26, 2010
I’ve learned, as a result of my growing-up environment, that you will either be an active-encouraging personality or a passive-discouraging personality. There is not standing on the line between them, not foot-in-both – it’s either one or the other. When my wife and I learned 23 years ago that we would be parents I determined then to be different than what I’d grown up under and to be an active-encouraging, affirming, cheerleader and sponsor not just to my own children (we have 4 now) but to everyone else I encounter. People are drawn to effective leadership, that mentors and encourages, teaches and allows for room to fail so learning can take place, but where lesson opportunities can be pointed out in an adult like way so that a desire to learn will take place. God bless us all.